Your Marriage is a Business Partnership Too

by Dorene Lehavi, PhD

These are stressing times for far too many people and when money is the central issue, the lack of it, the fear of losing it, can destroy a marriage if you let it. On the other hand, it could do just the opposite by bringing the two of you closer together and strengthen your marriage as only such hard times can do. It's truly a choice for you to make.

Remember a few things: Historically, marriage was a business arrangement. We have allowed the idea of romance to define the foundation of marriage. When you look closely, however, even today it may not sound romantic, but marriage is still a business arrangement. The better news is, if done properly love grows from this arrangement. This love is far more stable, meaningful, and supportive than the idea of falling in and out of love...romantically.

Marriage is a business no matter what the set up is even if you haven't been thinking of it that way. There is always the notion of division of labor even if you haven't addressed it as such. Perhaps one of you stays home to fulfill the jobs on site and the other brings home a salary to buy what the family unit needs. Perhaps both of you work outside of the home and pay others to do some of the jobs needed at home. There are a variety of other possible arrangements that you may have adapted for your marriage.

Ok, so now the money is in jeopardy because of job loss...bad investments, credit card debt or something else and you are fighting, tension rules, and maybe you stopped talking altogether. You no longer behave like a couple who love each other and if there are children they are picking it up and coming to their own conclusions about what is happening...usually including themselves somewhere in the picture as to being to blame for the strife.

Let me suggest an opposite solution. Now is the time to remember those vows "for better or for worse" and the reasons you chose each other in the first place. Now is the time to come together as business people committed to success and readjust your business plan. If you need outside advice, get it. There are downturns in everyone's life and business. Figure out ways to ride out the storm together as a couple and as a family. Be absolutely determined here.

Other couples are making adjustments. Get ideas from them if need be. Be open and talk to others. Get over feeling ashamed. We, as a community and a country are all in this together. Find friends and support groups, but remember that your first priority is for you to be an unbreakable unit and support to each other.

As a couple have regular but limited meetings with each other about new strategies for your marital business. Designate an appropriate place where you hold these meetings. Not your bedroom...A home office is ideal. Make sure you meet at least once a week, maybe twice for an hour and when the hour is over, you stop the discussion until the next meeting.

Make sure your children know that you love them and will always be there to support them and the family is still the family. It's ok to tell them that right now these are hard times, but that you will get through them together. And that it is ok and common for all families to go through periods of hard times. If your children are older you may ask them, with limits, for their input. For example, they may volunteer to limit the use of some of their costly tech devices for now. It is not their responsibility to come up with solutions and don't make it theirs. However, you can ask for ideas and you can make new rules for them in a loving supportive manner. Of course all of this talk with children has to be age appropriate.

Most importantly spend couple time with each other every day. There are a lot of free ways to do that. Discover them. Most of all hugs are free. Do a lot of that in front of the children and with them.

If you stop the blame game and get on the same side when this period is over you will find that you have become a much richer couple and family in all the important ways. Your children's experience in this period will serve them well throughout their lives.